I sit at the head of a long dinner table surrounded by familiar faces. It's a rich sunlit room with deep red linens, ivory walls, and gold fixtures. The food is laid out before us, gloriously. I can see the warmth of the breads and meats. The smell of spices snuggles me like a sweater. I pop a vibrant green fruit into my mouth as my eyes follow someone exit the room. I decide: to the bathroom? Everyone is laughing and enjoying themselves, passing plates and food around the table. We all hear a crash a moment later. I stand up and investigate.
I find Him in front of a floor-to-ceiling stained glass window. The image in the window: some type of flower bush-I can't recall exactly which but, I remember the shapes of the petals and leaves projected onto him, how the soft colors embraced his shoulders. He is on his knees, backed turned, rocking back in forth. Praying? Sobbing? I reach out to him and he falls back into my arms.
Blood drains from his eyes. He seems to be immobile but his body vibrates. Pus erupts from little volcanos on his flesh. It bubbles and peels his skin. He is rotting before me. He is dying. His eyes look straight into me-they’re conscious, they’re alive. They tell me frantically “Help me, I’m dying! I’m dying! I’m afraid! Where will I go? I don't understand! I'm so afraid!"
I'm afraid too. I don't understand either. I don't know how to console him, I tell him the truth. My voice is calm and clear: "I don't know what happens next. I'm sorry."
Behind me, I finally notice everyone is lined up, standing side by side, solemn and resigned. I turn back to him and tell him, "I'll go with you. You won't be alone."
The scene rewinds itself. I start back from the beginning, sitting at the head of a long dinner table surrounded by familiar faces.
Everything happens exactly as before, even though I am aware now of how it plays out. But somehow I go through the motions like I don't. I see and feel two things at once. And it repeats several times, I'm stuck in this morbid loop. Still bewildered and frightened-knowing doesn't change how I feel. If anything, I feel worse each time.
When he look me in the eyes, it feels like a compactor is crushing my heart. The pain is intense, I can't breathe. I vomit blood and I watch it as it spills to floor. I see its reflection on the ground.
But now I am somewhere else. In a endless room with no walls and a mirrored floor. In my arms, he still decays but his reflection from the floor is healthy. He sits and looks down on me from the ground no longer fearful, just curious. I'm confused, am I up or down? Then I notice I have no reflection. I'm only on one side, holding a lifeless body.
I drag the body across the floor and the other him follows. I stop when I reach a small mountain of corpses. On the other side, he climbs to the top. I collapse to my knees and cry. And cry and cry and cry. It gets hard for me too see clearly.
I form a puddle, it becomes a shallow river leading to the piles of bodies. I don't stop crying until I stop seeing the mirrored floor and his reflection, until the bodies float beside me- around me
I lit up a match and the fire propagates from my small lake of tears like kerosene. The bodies burn and I burn too.